grimrose_eilwynn: (Default)
[personal profile] grimrose_eilwynn
So something bad happened last night. The thing itself is insignificant, just a small thing that wouldn't have bothered a mentally healthy person, one of those slight daily disappointments. Anyway, it's not worth mentioning. That's not the point.

The point is it was late at night and I was tired from rushing around over the past few days, and that plunged me briefly into horrible, horrible depression. I went from happy to depressed in less than 2.5 seconds. It was impressive.

It starts with exhaustion -- moodiness. I took a relaxing hot shower, trying to make the moodiness go away, and I felt a little better. Then me and my sister Skyped our parents and they all started laying plans for tomorrow, and I suddenly got so exhausted I retreated into my bedroom and shut the door.

There, with the lights off, I curled up on my bed in a little ball of misery and cried. I don't know why I was crying. There was nothing, except for how I felt, to cry about.

Here's the thing about depressed people: they don't want comfort. What they want is understanding. I literally Googled search images of depression, and the depressing messages in the pictures cycled me lower and lower into depression. It's cyclical. I started having suicidal thoughts.

I knew in the part of my mind that was rational and logical that I needed to reach out to someone -- that this was the only way to make things better. So, taking a deep breath, I went out into the living room and told my sister how I was feeling. It was hard. Very hard. And very scary.

By the way? Never reject a depressed person who has reached out to you. They may never reach out to anyone again.

My sister didn't reject me. She talked me through it, gave me a hug, and told me everything was going to be okay. I hugged her back and let a few tears leak into her shirt.

Then we had dessert -- birthday cake, pie, and wine -- and went to bed. I slept in unusually late this morning, and I woke up today and I feel perfectly fine. Maybe a little tired and irritable, but basically fine.

Bipolar disorder is weird.

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grimrose_eilwynn: (Default)
Hopeless Dreamer

March 2016

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